Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
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I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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