I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
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I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
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You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool