I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?