Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
