i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
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The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.