College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Come on in and take your pants off
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