she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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