How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
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Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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