Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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