im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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