When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
