I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
