he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
