i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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