i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
