Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
