I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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