I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
