Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
