she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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