i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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