I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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