i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
