My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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