Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
