My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
