the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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