Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
