Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
