curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
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I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
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I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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