You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
