I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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