at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
