You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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