Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
