cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
