I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
