i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
