So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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