Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
