ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
