I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
