fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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