The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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