She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
