You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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