I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
