I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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