It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
