yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
