I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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