based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
