if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
