You're so nebulous sometimes
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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