So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
