he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
