So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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