I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
