So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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