My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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