i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
