I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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