i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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