This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
