Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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