the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
In America we eat man semen.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
