My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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